I am sick, I have a weird head cold which makes my head feel like it's made up of a bag of dumbbells. I am so grateful for play-school at the moment, as much as I am sick of hanging out at home, feeling miserable, I am very happy I don't have to deal with an active toddler as well.
I've been going through a strange phase lately, exaggerated ups and downs, specifically the downs. I seem to be stuck in the same paranoid rut and I don't know how to get out. The whole thing with my back and the hernia and all that is "finished" and I should be trying to get myself back to normal. In fact, I want to get myself passed normal and into fighting fit, I never ever want to be this weak and hopeless again.
The thing is, I don't really know how to start and every time I think I'm getting somewhere, something happens to knock me down. First the boy caught a string of play school ailments, bad enough to make him fuse onto my hip, mutant style. He was feverish, snotty and impossibly whiny, also, sleep was for pussies. Basically the perfect recipe to send mama straight to the couch with a tub of ice cream at every available opportunity.
All of this ended with me getting a bout of pneumonia, which, if I wasn't weak before... hahaha, frack!
It took me two weeks to get out of that one, then I had two weeks where I thought, hey, this is gonna work, I'm gonna get all fit and stuff, and then two weeks in bed again. All this bed rest and sick toddler bouncing, not to mention weight gain, is really bad for my back as well as being excellent food for my insane paranoia about this wretched body part. You see, every time I feel a slight pain or twinge that could possibly be connected with my stupid spine, I feel like I must lie down, ramrod straight, and never move again, you know, just in case! I guess what I'm saying is that I'm scared to live, and that right there really scares me, does that make any sense?
What's also getting to me is that I don't really know how to do things slowly and carefully. If I wanna get fit I just hit the gym and work real hard, and dance like a mad person (I like dancing, a lot), but that just doesn't work anymore. I get sweaty from a 20 minute walk, and the most basic of yoga routines is painful, not just during the actual routine, but throughout the rest of my day! This is very frustrating and for some reason makes me utterly depressed and hungry for unhealthy fattening crap, which of course makes me even more depressed and paranoid and, well well well, what have we here, could it be me, stuck in that rut again!
This is not who I want to be, I've made it through a lot of crap in my life and I know I am really quite strong, I'm at a point where I'm really happy and life is good, I love my boys, we have a fantastic home and a stable income. I want so badly to be able to enjoy this time fully, to be a fun, active mom to my fantastic kid, but my body keeps getting in the way and somehow all I can do is cry about it and make myself more miserable. This whole situation is so self destructive, it's like I'm my own damn nemesis, thwarting my every good move, mwahahaing at my failure to counter attack!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Just stuff
When you're at home with a sick baby/toddler, life gets kinda stuck in limbo, don't you agree. Of course, I'm not talking about the kind of sick where you have to walk around all night long bouncing a screaming baby, thats when you've missed limbo and gone straight to hell!
I am at home with the the boy 'cause he's got an icky cold, nothing serious, just buckets of snot, and it makes life feel suspended somehow, as if the world outside is standing still and, no actually more like the world outside is moving to fast for us and we are confined to our house because we're in slow motion.
Obviously snot makes me all philosophical, and that's not good, too damn boring for one thing!
Because he's such great kid, who basically just wants to colour and read and watch a bit of tv, with the occasional nose blowing request, I've been trying to use my time constructively (haha hahaaahaaahaha, man, that sounds so ridiculous when I say it).
No, serously, I've actually been trying to organize my Christmas baking and experiments with chocolate. Most of the time what happens is that I see something I wanna make, and then something else I like, nomnom, that looks good, and then I start making too many things at once, realize half way through that I'm missing about four ingredients, run to the store (covered in chocolate from head to foot, of course) , without my wallet etc. etc. The result is almost always; too much sweet stuff for two people(too much even for 8 people), sugar overload, great big mess and moi completely exhausted, although very lickable ,what with the chocolate covering.
There is also the fact that I want to give out fancy homemade sweets for Christmas this year, something I've done once before, at 8 months pregnant in fact, when making a great big mess was just a good excuse for eating more chocolate, ahem. This time I want to pick and choose through the millions of varieties and decide beforehand what goes in each box, go to the supermarket with an enormous shopping list and be completely prepared for what will probably turn into an entire week of truffle making.
On a completely different note, I'm parenting pretty much solo this weekend with Mr. McSneezie as Z is in to Akureyri for work until tomorrow night, plus it's his geekweek so he's of early on Sunday for some serious role-playing (haha, the fact that I can say serious and role-playing in the same sentence simply astonishes me). This wouldn't really get to me that much if it wasn't for the snot, cause being stuck at home sucks donkeys ass. Oh well, I guess it just means my boxed chocolates will be so very organized they'll come with order of eating instructions!
I am at home with the the boy 'cause he's got an icky cold, nothing serious, just buckets of snot, and it makes life feel suspended somehow, as if the world outside is standing still and, no actually more like the world outside is moving to fast for us and we are confined to our house because we're in slow motion.
Obviously snot makes me all philosophical, and that's not good, too damn boring for one thing!
Because he's such great kid, who basically just wants to colour and read and watch a bit of tv, with the occasional nose blowing request, I've been trying to use my time constructively (haha hahaaahaaahaha, man, that sounds so ridiculous when I say it).
No, serously, I've actually been trying to organize my Christmas baking and experiments with chocolate. Most of the time what happens is that I see something I wanna make, and then something else I like, nomnom, that looks good, and then I start making too many things at once, realize half way through that I'm missing about four ingredients, run to the store (covered in chocolate from head to foot, of course) , without my wallet etc. etc. The result is almost always; too much sweet stuff for two people(too much even for 8 people), sugar overload, great big mess and moi completely exhausted, although very lickable ,what with the chocolate covering.
There is also the fact that I want to give out fancy homemade sweets for Christmas this year, something I've done once before, at 8 months pregnant in fact, when making a great big mess was just a good excuse for eating more chocolate, ahem. This time I want to pick and choose through the millions of varieties and decide beforehand what goes in each box, go to the supermarket with an enormous shopping list and be completely prepared for what will probably turn into an entire week of truffle making.
On a completely different note, I'm parenting pretty much solo this weekend with Mr. McSneezie as Z is in to Akureyri for work until tomorrow night, plus it's his geekweek so he's of early on Sunday for some serious role-playing (haha, the fact that I can say serious and role-playing in the same sentence simply astonishes me). This wouldn't really get to me that much if it wasn't for the snot, cause being stuck at home sucks donkeys ass. Oh well, I guess it just means my boxed chocolates will be so very organized they'll come with order of eating instructions!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Ahem!
Am giving it another go, trying this again or some such crap, that's what I was going to say, but really, everyone knows I'll write this and maybe a couple more entry's and then I'll forget all about it again!
Life is good, hectic, painful and troublesome but mostly good. Kid is growing by leaps and bounds, learning a new word every minute and just basically going from baby to big boy at an alarming rate.
Since my last entry everything has been pretty much turned upside down, we moved out of our much renovated and not even quite finished apartment, which was kinda sad but also really really good. Suffice it to say we had the neighbours from hell and getting rid of them was worth all the hassle.
We now live almost downtown again, in the same area where we rented our first apartment together, and I can tell you it feels like coming home again after being lost in the desert/wilderness/frozen tundra or some other barren nowhere you can think of. Our new place is great, we're still getting settled of course, but this one is definitely for keeps, I think we might grow old here, and it's a good feeling, very calming.
I have been doing ok, I guess, slipped disk, hernia, operation, physical therapy, pneumonia and various other "my boy just started playschool " ailments aside, things are looking up, finally. I just have to figure out how somebody like me does normal exercise, in order to build up a little bit of strength and muscle. Normally I would just go to the gym, workout and maybe think, "man I sure am in bad shape, I should do this more often." At the moment it's more like, "I've just carried my kid up these few steps, hang on for five minutes while I catch my breath, oh and could you just hand me my lungs, they fell out on the fifth step, I think!" So I'm sort off stuck between overdoing it and not doing it at all (the latter bit involves a lot of cake).
I'm going to stop now, keeping it short and sweet in the hopes of more to come.
Life is good, hectic, painful and troublesome but mostly good. Kid is growing by leaps and bounds, learning a new word every minute and just basically going from baby to big boy at an alarming rate.
Since my last entry everything has been pretty much turned upside down, we moved out of our much renovated and not even quite finished apartment, which was kinda sad but also really really good. Suffice it to say we had the neighbours from hell and getting rid of them was worth all the hassle.
We now live almost downtown again, in the same area where we rented our first apartment together, and I can tell you it feels like coming home again after being lost in the desert/wilderness/frozen tundra or some other barren nowhere you can think of. Our new place is great, we're still getting settled of course, but this one is definitely for keeps, I think we might grow old here, and it's a good feeling, very calming.
I have been doing ok, I guess, slipped disk, hernia, operation, physical therapy, pneumonia and various other "my boy just started playschool " ailments aside, things are looking up, finally. I just have to figure out how somebody like me does normal exercise, in order to build up a little bit of strength and muscle. Normally I would just go to the gym, workout and maybe think, "man I sure am in bad shape, I should do this more often." At the moment it's more like, "I've just carried my kid up these few steps, hang on for five minutes while I catch my breath, oh and could you just hand me my lungs, they fell out on the fifth step, I think!" So I'm sort off stuck between overdoing it and not doing it at all (the latter bit involves a lot of cake).
I'm going to stop now, keeping it short and sweet in the hopes of more to come.
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