tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-68620447058373182332024-02-06T20:10:19.057-08:00Radjibellyupradjibelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06588777902185018417noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862044705837318233.post-81673618957575835322011-11-17T02:36:00.000-08:002011-11-17T03:43:16.085-08:00...and all that jazz!I've been thinking about this word lately, community! Do I live in a community? I'd say of course, but on second thought I don't really think so, I think we live in some strange reality where posting embarrassing personal crap for the whole world to see is accepted behavior, but smiling and saying good morning to a stranger is downright weird! <br /><br />Not that I really mind the internets, I actually kinda love it, but I guess it's a love/hate relationship. <br />On the one hand I have made some fantastic friends, friends that I don't really know, people who's blogs I've been reading for more years then I care to count. These people are kindred spirits, a reassuring reminder that I'm not alone with my crazy thoughts and absurd ideas. I am better for 'knowing' these people, they make me laugh and they help me cry and this clears the air in my private breathing space somehow! <br />And yet, I can't help but feel anxious about the lack of actual physical interaction, something which, for me, does not come naturally at the best of times, let alone when I live solely through the computer, especially because I tend to be more of a reader then a writer. <br />I did start this extended sentence with 'on the one hand' so here's the other hand, why does every communication panel, like facebook and twitter and stuff ultimately change into a shitfest of some sort. Something that starts as an excellent venue for staying in touch somehow morfs into this slandering, gossiping, product-plugging labyrinth of funny cat videos, which also somehow becomes the only way to communicate with friends and family, if your not there you're stuck in the square and can't get out!<br /><br />I know this post has quickly turned into some sort of anti internet thing, but actually this is my attempt at communicating my frustration with the lack of community in my immediate surroundings. <br />For some reason, we interpret everything as a competition, nobody helps his fellow man anymore. I don't understand this, doesn't my survival depend on yours, isn't it in my interest to help you survive, I help you, so that you help me, because I helped you to help me, so that I'd help you.......<br /><br />This is especially true in my little country, and apparently extraordinarily so in my chosen career. For some reason everybody is copying everybody else and nobody dares tell anyone about their ideas. Makes sense, naturally I went to art school so that I could copy others, it has nothing to do with MY creativity or a need to express what's in MY head. <br />Seriously, wouldn't it be much better to share our great ideas and help each other, I could help you realize your dream and then I could count on you to help me get some of my dreams out there! We could totally benefit from this, There is such an opportunity for growth and development, but noooo, don't you dare ask what I am making, don't show interest, don't even fucking smile, you weirdo!<br /><br />Bleh, I totally suck at expressing myself, there are all these thoughts rattling around in my brain, so much I want to do, live responsively, be mindful, recycle, help my neighbour, SAVETHEWORLD, frack, small steps, right, right?radjibelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06588777902185018417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862044705837318233.post-696218500856258802011-10-31T11:11:00.000-07:002011-10-31T11:44:44.271-07:00overhaulage!Sometimes it's just so strange, and basically fucked up to be a human being. Not to mention actually taking proper care of yourself. I know that trying to find yourself is the most outdated lame thing ever, but that seems to be what I am continuously trying to do! I feel like I am still the 19 year old I was over a decade ago, a decade is a long bloody time to mostly lose, you know what I mean, I was there and then all of a sudden I was here and now! <br /><br />Lately I've been sinking uncomfortably far into my old depression hole, and I really don't have time for that shit! After sinking far too deep I managed to haul myself out, apparently despite my enormous self-destructive shoulder devil, I actually have survival instincts. For the first bloody time I realized and I mean realized, not just knew or read about or was told, that I am my own master, I am in charge and it happens to be pretty much up to me what happens in my life! (oh wow, how many self-help book seekers are accidentally going to find this shit). Absolute ages ago I found out that yoga does for me what xanax does, and then some. However, because I am a total eejit, I think about the yoga, then I don't do it, then I feel guilty, then I start beating myself up about it and leather, rinse repeat until I drown in self loathing and pity.<br />So, this is what I'm doing, yoga every day, sometimes little sometimes a lot but always some, this is the first priority and it means that I am putting myself first, before boy, before Z, before work, this works in the manner of putting the gas mask on your own mug before attending to your child!radjibelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06588777902185018417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862044705837318233.post-14704113056534906682009-05-01T05:02:00.000-07:002009-05-14T03:54:38.895-07:00le confusede artisteSo, I've been trying to decide what to do when I grow up. I'm 33, with a husband, a kid and a hefty mortgage, but I still haven't really decided what I want to do with my life! <br />When I finished high school there was no doubt in my mind, I was going to be an artist (or, ahem, <span style="font-style: italic;">artiste!</span>)it was pretty much my life, drawing and sculpting, I'd forget to sleep sometimes, too busy drawing! Then, life interfered, in a big way, and here I am, an arsenal of odd jobs in my bag, a fair few languages rolling around in my head and a desperate need for some roots. <br />I think I've pretty much got the roots down, home is where the heart is and all that, as for the rest, I feel completely lost! <br />The reason for bringing all this up, well, I'm seriously thinking about going to school, and not just a couple of fiddly courses either, we're talking full blown, (also, full time, GAH) art school, student loan and all. <br />I feel pretty apprehensive about this decision, not only because i haven't exactly been very prolific with the drawing (or anything, really) lately, but also because I don't know if I can do this. I mean, It's been years since I could immerse myself in something like that, and for a long time now I haven't manage to finish anything I've started, sure, I have many different excuses, and some of them perfectly valid, you know, slipped disc, hernia, CHILDBIRTH, but, to be perfectly honest, I'm also just pretty damn lazy and also very easily distracted! Side note; what the frack is it with me and the exclamation marks, they are like an evil addiction! See, did it again! Oh, crap..........<br />Aaanyway, this art school is pretty expensive and a student loan is a big commitment, but I want this, at least I think I do, oh man. I still have to get in, to the school I mean, I have to turn in a portfolio of sorts, and I think that's a big part of what I find so damn scary, what if I don't get in, will that mean that it's just not for me? And that's the thing you see, if I don't get in I probably wont try again and I don't really believe I'll get in and so why even try, right! <br />I'm running around in circles, being a total worry wort and I'm going to stop now, it's good to blab about it though, specially since the computer can't roll it's eyes back at you!radjibelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06588777902185018417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862044705837318233.post-47915302557558199742009-04-30T09:15:00.000-07:002009-04-30T09:31:57.986-07:00taking a standIt's been almost five months since my last entry and the reason for the time lapse is basically the fact that all I have is leather-rinse-repeat, no change at all! Could've written that last entry yesterday, and frankly that just sucks, in fact, it sucks fat diarrhetic camels ass!<br /><br />So from now on I've decided that yes, I will mention it if I'm sick, but I'm going to try and ignore it a bit, at least in writing. I want my blog to be about my life and I don't want my life to be all about the snot, cause it's not. So there, take that evil infected head!radjibelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06588777902185018417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862044705837318233.post-49013301621401128222008-11-25T06:03:00.000-08:002008-11-25T07:37:23.341-08:00The unbearable weight of my headI am sick, I have a weird head cold which makes my head feel like it's made up of a bag of dumbbells. I am so grateful for play-school at the moment, as much as I am sick of hanging out at home, feeling miserable, I am very happy I don't have to deal with an active toddler as well.<br /><br />I've been going through a strange phase lately, exaggerated ups and downs, specifically the downs. I seem to be stuck in the same paranoid rut and I don't know how to get out. The whole thing with my back and the hernia and all that is "finished" and I should be trying to get myself back to normal. In fact, I want to get myself passed normal and into fighting fit, I never ever want to be this weak and hopeless again.<br />The thing is, I don't really know how to start and every time I think I'm getting somewhere, something happens to knock me down. First the boy caught a string of play school ailments, bad enough to make him fuse onto my hip, mutant style. He was feverish, snotty and impossibly whiny, also, sleep was for pussies. Basically the perfect recipe to send mama straight to the couch with a tub of ice cream at every available opportunity.<br />All of this ended with me getting a bout of pneumonia, which, if I wasn't weak before... hahaha, frack!<br />It took me two weeks to get out of that one, then I had two weeks where I thought, hey, this is gonna work, I'm gonna get all fit and stuff, and then two weeks in bed again. All this bed rest and sick toddler bouncing, not to mention weight gain, is really bad for my back as well as being excellent food for my insane paranoia about this wretched body part. You see, every time I feel a slight pain or twinge that could possibly be connected with my stupid spine, I feel like I must lie down, ramrod straight, and never move again, you know, just in case! I guess what I'm saying is that I'm scared to live, and that right there really scares me, does that make any sense?<br /><br />What's also getting to me is that I don't really know how to do things slowly and carefully. If I wanna get fit I just hit the gym and work real hard, and dance like a mad person (I like dancing, a lot), but that just doesn't work anymore. I get sweaty from a 20 minute walk, and the most basic of yoga routines is painful, not just during the actual routine, but throughout the rest of my day! This is very frustrating and for some reason makes me utterly depressed and hungry for unhealthy fattening crap, which of course makes me even more depressed and paranoid and, well well well, what have we here, could it be me, stuck in that rut again!<br /><br />This is not who I want to be, I've made it through a lot of crap in my life and I know I am really quite strong, I'm at a point where I'm really happy and life is good, I love my boys, we have a fantastic home and a stable income. I want so badly to be able to enjoy this time fully, to be a fun, active mom to my fantastic kid, but my body keeps getting in the way and somehow all I can do is cry about it and make myself more miserable. This whole situation is so self destructive, it's like I'm my own damn nemesis, thwarting my every good move, mwahahaing at my failure to counter attack!radjibelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06588777902185018417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862044705837318233.post-12596369146188475142008-11-21T02:48:00.000-08:002008-11-22T03:05:12.284-08:00Just stuffWhen you're at home with a sick baby/toddler, life gets kinda stuck in limbo, don't you agree. Of course, I'm not talking about the kind of sick where you have to walk around all night long bouncing a screaming baby, thats when you've missed limbo and gone straight to hell!<br />I am at home with the the boy 'cause he's got an icky cold, nothing serious, just buckets of snot, and it makes life feel suspended somehow, as if the world outside is standing still and, no actually more like the world outside is moving to fast for us and we are confined to our house because we're in slow motion.<br />Obviously snot makes me all philosophical, and that's not good, too damn boring for one thing!<br /><br />Because he's such great kid, who basically just wants to colour and read and watch a bit of tv, with the occasional nose blowing request, I've been trying to use my time constructively (haha hahaaahaaahaha, man, that sounds so ridiculous when I say it).<br />No, serously, I've actually been trying to organize my Christmas baking and experiments with chocolate. Most of the time what happens is that I see something I wanna make, and then something else I like, nomnom, that looks good, and then I start making too many things at once, realize half way through that I'm missing about four ingredients, run to the store (covered in chocolate from head to foot, of course) , without my wallet etc. etc. The result is almost always; too much sweet stuff for two people(too much even for 8 people), sugar overload, great big mess and moi completely exhausted, although very lickable ,what with the chocolate covering.<br />There is also the fact that I want to give out fancy homemade sweets for Christmas this year, something I've done once before, at 8 months pregnant in fact, when making a great big mess was just a good excuse for eating more chocolate, ahem. This time I want to pick and choose through the millions of varieties and decide beforehand what goes in each box, go to the supermarket with an enormous shopping list and be completely prepared for what will probably turn into an entire week of truffle making.<br /><br />On a completely different note, I'm parenting pretty much solo this weekend with Mr. McSneezie as Z is in to Akureyri for work until tomorrow night, plus it's his geekweek so he's of early on Sunday for some serious role-playing (haha, the fact that I can say serious and role-playing in the same sentence simply astonishes me). This wouldn't really get to me that much if it wasn't for the snot, cause being stuck at home sucks donkeys ass. Oh well, I guess it just means my boxed chocolates will be so very organized they'll come with order of eating instructions!radjibelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06588777902185018417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862044705837318233.post-54233307419243031212008-11-19T03:40:00.000-08:002008-11-19T04:25:06.795-08:00Ahem!Am giving it another go, trying this again or some such crap, that's what I was going to say, but really, everyone knows I'll write this and maybe a couple more entry's and then I'll forget all about it again!<br /><br />Life is good, hectic, painful and troublesome but mostly good. Kid is growing by leaps and bounds, learning a new word every minute and just basically going from baby to big boy at an alarming rate.<br /><br />Since my last entry everything has been pretty much turned upside down, we moved out of our much renovated and not even quite finished apartment, which was kinda sad but also really really good. Suffice it to say we had the neighbours from hell and getting rid of them was worth all the hassle.<br /><br />We now live almost downtown again, in the same area where we rented our first apartment together, and I can tell you it feels like coming home again after being lost in the desert/wilderness/frozen tundra or some other barren nowhere you can think of. Our new place is great, we're still getting settled of course, but this one is definitely for keeps, I think we might grow old here, and it's a good feeling, very calming.<br /><br />I have been doing ok, I guess, slipped disk, hernia, operation, physical therapy, pneumonia and various other "my boy just started playschool " ailments aside, things are looking up, finally. I just have to figure out how somebody like me does normal exercise, in order to build up a little bit of strength and muscle. Normally I would just go to the gym, workout and maybe think, "man I sure am in bad shape, I should do this more often." At the moment it's more like, "I've just carried my kid up these few steps, hang on for five minutes while I catch my breath, oh and could you just hand me my lungs, they fell out on the fifth step, I think!" So I'm sort off stuck between overdoing it and not doing it at all (the latter bit involves a lot of cake).<br /><br />I'm going to stop now, keeping it short and sweet in the hopes of more to come.radjibelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06588777902185018417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862044705837318233.post-92173993500915904982007-11-10T01:32:00.000-08:002007-11-10T02:40:30.005-08:00Grumpy McGrumpingtonZ came back from London the day before last and then yesterday morning he flew off for the weekend! Basically he came home for one evening with his peeps.<br />The one evening he was home I had my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">swimgym</span> class (the only form of exercise that I am finally allowed, so missing it is not an option), still, we decided to jump start our weekly <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">friday</span> evening. A little explanation might be needed here, generally, on <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Friday's</span>, we try for some yummy time, we might go to a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">café</span> in the morning, have something unhealthy for dinner, watch a movie and overindulge on chocolates. <br />So we decided we'd have a late dinner of homemade pizza and some good red wine! Everything went according to plan, and when I came back from the pool, little man was in bed and the pizza was ready for the oven. The movie wouldn't play, we tried everything, but, what the heck, we had pizza and wine and delicious coffee, so all was good with the world. Then right when I was feeling too much of a buzz from the wine and also just from being tired, in a good way, little man wakes up, and he is inconsolable. HE DOES NOT GO BACK TO SLEEP! Ergo, neither do I. <br />What is the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">actual</span> point of this <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">nagathon</span>? Well, yesterday morning, when we were suppose to either go to a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">café</span> or at least have a cozy breakfast together I was so exhausted and grumpy that as soon as little man went for his nap I passed out. I didn't even really say goodbye to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">hubbyliscious</span>. Poor guy had to have a lonesome cold breakfast and when he tried to let me know he was leaving I was pissed off at him for trying to wake me! When we finally did wake up (Grumpy and Grumpy junior), I felt so bad, but it was too late, his phone was already out of range, either that or switched off to avoid yours truly. <br />The stupid thing is that I still feel really bad about the whole thing. I mean, I was justifiably exhausted, but nevertheless. I feel like Z must be kinda' mad at me, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">disappointed</span> like, and that is the stupidest thing ever cause he hardly ever gets that way, and still I worry. Not being able to get hold of him doesn't help, of course.<br /><br />On a different yet related note, what is up with babies and not being able to tell you what's wrong? One of those <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">message board</span> things on their <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">foreheads</span> would come in real handy! Or one of those warning voices they put in cars. It's just so frustrating to have to go through every possibility with a screaming baby, when the whole thing could fixed with one quick <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">forehead</span> flash of poop, or earache or even itchy nose! You might even be able to get it over and done with before he's completely awake again!radjibelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06588777902185018417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862044705837318233.post-61125773527322021902007-11-09T10:45:00.000-08:002007-11-09T10:54:40.601-08:00Still deliriously tired but at least I remembered the title<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoVrRScAADVB3_EApOgjHjTLTGUGStT9aPjR0kX2sdClMkWjeMk-1rBjPcV5pJ0yI2A4UYSN3jIS76D64QlADwPZEYwVbhyphenhyphen9FlT6eU8CPvp-yplH08OtAPikAM_pn1erOSFy77edfEtdA/s1600-h/DSC_0063.JPG">In a desperate attempt at getting over last nights bullshitery, I give you photos!<br /><br /><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoVrRScAADVB3_EApOgjHjTLTGUGStT9aPjR0kX2sdClMkWjeMk-1rBjPcV5pJ0yI2A4UYSN3jIS76D64QlADwPZEYwVbhyphenhyphen9FlT6eU8CPvp-yplH08OtAPikAM_pn1erOSFy77edfEtdA/s400/DSC_0063.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5130914138423380546" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpMSJ81WAVFYpv5b_KTsWCokVVL8-DaGx37UQR0vjJ9WiGcl1XQ72P-UYxyvgredqqRR5Gkrq34eQDsp2UZs4omNJvLxEKfVrXN9i4bi7L6H_evXH2CdSDG3PVIwBSkvus1VF_y7Ovw2s/s1600-h/wallcropped.jpg">Old wall<br /><br /><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpMSJ81WAVFYpv5b_KTsWCokVVL8-DaGx37UQR0vjJ9WiGcl1XQ72P-UYxyvgredqqRR5Gkrq34eQDsp2UZs4omNJvLxEKfVrXN9i4bi7L6H_evXH2CdSDG3PVIwBSkvus1VF_y7Ovw2s/s400/wallcropped.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5130913970919655986" /><br />New wall in progress<br /></a>radjibelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06588777902185018417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862044705837318233.post-21692796295482711692007-11-07T14:50:00.000-08:002007-11-07T15:30:07.018-08:00Just a fair warning, before you actually get into reading this entry; I'm tired and it's late and I really ought to go to bed, so don't blame me if this whole rambling ramble doesn't make sense! You get that, no, didn't think so, good! <br /> Anyway, I needed a little bit of me time, or should we say grown up time. Not that I know what I'm gonna talk about, my very uninteresting yet completely satisfying day, I guess. The big man is in London for work so it's just me and little man (oh, and the fur balls). We had a very good but extremely domestic sort of day. I've cleaned and scrubbed and cooked etc. all the while keeping an eye on he who crawleth everywhere and standeth up at every opportunity! That's proof that I'm too tired right there, exclamation marks galore!!!!<br />The reason for my blog laziness in the last week or so is a lot more interesting however. I have been decorating THE ROOM, you know, for the kid. The room that we already moved him into because I wanted to move him before he turned 8 months old, you know, before he becomes old enough to give a crap. But, because I am crazy in the brainhouse, we have moved him back in with us, cause mama couldn't just do a couple of simple stencils, no, she had to go for the whole mural thing, preferably all four walls, and yeah, what the heck, lets throw in real life tiger, and an open bar! Oh, how old is he now, let's see, 8 and a half months! Completely bonkers I am, that's a given. But, I'm happy with the work I'm doing, It's really incredible how much a little bit of paint can do for me, I wish I could do this for a living, that would totally rock!<br />I'll try to remember to post some pics tomorrow, right now I've really got to get to bed, I wrote that got to get to bed, oh and also the rest of this sentence, about five times already, mostly cause' of my lousy spelling, but also the involuntary eye closing thing!radjibelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06588777902185018417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862044705837318233.post-25842758332439824892007-10-26T12:02:00.000-07:002007-10-26T13:35:45.285-07:00Irrational fear of fallingI've got a slipped disc in my lower back and it has been screwing up my life for the last two years or so. This is something you will be reading about on this blog, and I mean consistently, in overly exaggerated portions. This stupid disc is the reason I get an anxiety attack every time I stumble or almost fall or trip over my own feet, I even get slightly panicky if I see others stumbling! So, when I go and fall flat on my butt, pushing my spine out in exactly the worst way possible, I feel like I must lie down there and then, in the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">café</span> (oh yeah, that's me in all my glory), and not move, ever, possibly drowning in my own tears! But, there's a baby to haul back home in the blistering hale, a diaper to be changed, food to be shoveled, teeth to be brushed and before you know it the day is done and the tears, they never got cried!radjibelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06588777902185018417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862044705837318233.post-43363506050012463352007-10-25T08:22:00.000-07:002007-10-25T10:03:43.622-07:00Let's try this again, shall we!<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Ok</span>, so I've tried this before and it's still out there somewhere. Why am I not continuing that one you might ask? Cause' I forgot the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">bleedin</span>' password that's why! Have already tried every combination of all the words in the English language and I still can't access it, so here we go again! It's actually good really, so much has happened in the last two years (now you know how long it takes to go through the English dictionary) that it would be kinda' hard to try and continue from last time, so, a fresh start it is. I just noticed how much I use the word so, I've even deleted a couple, can you believe that? So, (haha) anyway, I'm gonna try this again, am <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">definitely not promising anything, what with my lazy ass history, but I've been feeling increasingly frustrated with all kinds of shit, nothing major, just, you know, needing somewhere to sound off. Somewhere to nag, really, about everything and nothing. Don't sweat the petty stuff, just write about it!</span>radjibelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06588777902185018417noreply@blogger.com0