So, I've been trying to decide what to do when I grow up. I'm 33, with a husband, a kid and a hefty mortgage, but I still haven't really decided what I want to do with my life!
When I finished high school there was no doubt in my mind, I was going to be an artist (or, ahem, artiste!)it was pretty much my life, drawing and sculpting, I'd forget to sleep sometimes, too busy drawing! Then, life interfered, in a big way, and here I am, an arsenal of odd jobs in my bag, a fair few languages rolling around in my head and a desperate need for some roots.
I think I've pretty much got the roots down, home is where the heart is and all that, as for the rest, I feel completely lost!
The reason for bringing all this up, well, I'm seriously thinking about going to school, and not just a couple of fiddly courses either, we're talking full blown, (also, full time, GAH) art school, student loan and all.
I feel pretty apprehensive about this decision, not only because i haven't exactly been very prolific with the drawing (or anything, really) lately, but also because I don't know if I can do this. I mean, It's been years since I could immerse myself in something like that, and for a long time now I haven't manage to finish anything I've started, sure, I have many different excuses, and some of them perfectly valid, you know, slipped disc, hernia, CHILDBIRTH, but, to be perfectly honest, I'm also just pretty damn lazy and also very easily distracted! Side note; what the frack is it with me and the exclamation marks, they are like an evil addiction! See, did it again! Oh, crap..........
Aaanyway, this art school is pretty expensive and a student loan is a big commitment, but I want this, at least I think I do, oh man. I still have to get in, to the school I mean, I have to turn in a portfolio of sorts, and I think that's a big part of what I find so damn scary, what if I don't get in, will that mean that it's just not for me? And that's the thing you see, if I don't get in I probably wont try again and I don't really believe I'll get in and so why even try, right!
I'm running around in circles, being a total worry wort and I'm going to stop now, it's good to blab about it though, specially since the computer can't roll it's eyes back at you!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
taking a stand
It's been almost five months since my last entry and the reason for the time lapse is basically the fact that all I have is leather-rinse-repeat, no change at all! Could've written that last entry yesterday, and frankly that just sucks, in fact, it sucks fat diarrhetic camels ass!
So from now on I've decided that yes, I will mention it if I'm sick, but I'm going to try and ignore it a bit, at least in writing. I want my blog to be about my life and I don't want my life to be all about the snot, cause it's not. So there, take that evil infected head!
So from now on I've decided that yes, I will mention it if I'm sick, but I'm going to try and ignore it a bit, at least in writing. I want my blog to be about my life and I don't want my life to be all about the snot, cause it's not. So there, take that evil infected head!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
The unbearable weight of my head
I am sick, I have a weird head cold which makes my head feel like it's made up of a bag of dumbbells. I am so grateful for play-school at the moment, as much as I am sick of hanging out at home, feeling miserable, I am very happy I don't have to deal with an active toddler as well.
I've been going through a strange phase lately, exaggerated ups and downs, specifically the downs. I seem to be stuck in the same paranoid rut and I don't know how to get out. The whole thing with my back and the hernia and all that is "finished" and I should be trying to get myself back to normal. In fact, I want to get myself passed normal and into fighting fit, I never ever want to be this weak and hopeless again.
The thing is, I don't really know how to start and every time I think I'm getting somewhere, something happens to knock me down. First the boy caught a string of play school ailments, bad enough to make him fuse onto my hip, mutant style. He was feverish, snotty and impossibly whiny, also, sleep was for pussies. Basically the perfect recipe to send mama straight to the couch with a tub of ice cream at every available opportunity.
All of this ended with me getting a bout of pneumonia, which, if I wasn't weak before... hahaha, frack!
It took me two weeks to get out of that one, then I had two weeks where I thought, hey, this is gonna work, I'm gonna get all fit and stuff, and then two weeks in bed again. All this bed rest and sick toddler bouncing, not to mention weight gain, is really bad for my back as well as being excellent food for my insane paranoia about this wretched body part. You see, every time I feel a slight pain or twinge that could possibly be connected with my stupid spine, I feel like I must lie down, ramrod straight, and never move again, you know, just in case! I guess what I'm saying is that I'm scared to live, and that right there really scares me, does that make any sense?
What's also getting to me is that I don't really know how to do things slowly and carefully. If I wanna get fit I just hit the gym and work real hard, and dance like a mad person (I like dancing, a lot), but that just doesn't work anymore. I get sweaty from a 20 minute walk, and the most basic of yoga routines is painful, not just during the actual routine, but throughout the rest of my day! This is very frustrating and for some reason makes me utterly depressed and hungry for unhealthy fattening crap, which of course makes me even more depressed and paranoid and, well well well, what have we here, could it be me, stuck in that rut again!
This is not who I want to be, I've made it through a lot of crap in my life and I know I am really quite strong, I'm at a point where I'm really happy and life is good, I love my boys, we have a fantastic home and a stable income. I want so badly to be able to enjoy this time fully, to be a fun, active mom to my fantastic kid, but my body keeps getting in the way and somehow all I can do is cry about it and make myself more miserable. This whole situation is so self destructive, it's like I'm my own damn nemesis, thwarting my every good move, mwahahaing at my failure to counter attack!
I've been going through a strange phase lately, exaggerated ups and downs, specifically the downs. I seem to be stuck in the same paranoid rut and I don't know how to get out. The whole thing with my back and the hernia and all that is "finished" and I should be trying to get myself back to normal. In fact, I want to get myself passed normal and into fighting fit, I never ever want to be this weak and hopeless again.
The thing is, I don't really know how to start and every time I think I'm getting somewhere, something happens to knock me down. First the boy caught a string of play school ailments, bad enough to make him fuse onto my hip, mutant style. He was feverish, snotty and impossibly whiny, also, sleep was for pussies. Basically the perfect recipe to send mama straight to the couch with a tub of ice cream at every available opportunity.
All of this ended with me getting a bout of pneumonia, which, if I wasn't weak before... hahaha, frack!
It took me two weeks to get out of that one, then I had two weeks where I thought, hey, this is gonna work, I'm gonna get all fit and stuff, and then two weeks in bed again. All this bed rest and sick toddler bouncing, not to mention weight gain, is really bad for my back as well as being excellent food for my insane paranoia about this wretched body part. You see, every time I feel a slight pain or twinge that could possibly be connected with my stupid spine, I feel like I must lie down, ramrod straight, and never move again, you know, just in case! I guess what I'm saying is that I'm scared to live, and that right there really scares me, does that make any sense?
What's also getting to me is that I don't really know how to do things slowly and carefully. If I wanna get fit I just hit the gym and work real hard, and dance like a mad person (I like dancing, a lot), but that just doesn't work anymore. I get sweaty from a 20 minute walk, and the most basic of yoga routines is painful, not just during the actual routine, but throughout the rest of my day! This is very frustrating and for some reason makes me utterly depressed and hungry for unhealthy fattening crap, which of course makes me even more depressed and paranoid and, well well well, what have we here, could it be me, stuck in that rut again!
This is not who I want to be, I've made it through a lot of crap in my life and I know I am really quite strong, I'm at a point where I'm really happy and life is good, I love my boys, we have a fantastic home and a stable income. I want so badly to be able to enjoy this time fully, to be a fun, active mom to my fantastic kid, but my body keeps getting in the way and somehow all I can do is cry about it and make myself more miserable. This whole situation is so self destructive, it's like I'm my own damn nemesis, thwarting my every good move, mwahahaing at my failure to counter attack!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Just stuff
When you're at home with a sick baby/toddler, life gets kinda stuck in limbo, don't you agree. Of course, I'm not talking about the kind of sick where you have to walk around all night long bouncing a screaming baby, thats when you've missed limbo and gone straight to hell!
I am at home with the the boy 'cause he's got an icky cold, nothing serious, just buckets of snot, and it makes life feel suspended somehow, as if the world outside is standing still and, no actually more like the world outside is moving to fast for us and we are confined to our house because we're in slow motion.
Obviously snot makes me all philosophical, and that's not good, too damn boring for one thing!
Because he's such great kid, who basically just wants to colour and read and watch a bit of tv, with the occasional nose blowing request, I've been trying to use my time constructively (haha hahaaahaaahaha, man, that sounds so ridiculous when I say it).
No, serously, I've actually been trying to organize my Christmas baking and experiments with chocolate. Most of the time what happens is that I see something I wanna make, and then something else I like, nomnom, that looks good, and then I start making too many things at once, realize half way through that I'm missing about four ingredients, run to the store (covered in chocolate from head to foot, of course) , without my wallet etc. etc. The result is almost always; too much sweet stuff for two people(too much even for 8 people), sugar overload, great big mess and moi completely exhausted, although very lickable ,what with the chocolate covering.
There is also the fact that I want to give out fancy homemade sweets for Christmas this year, something I've done once before, at 8 months pregnant in fact, when making a great big mess was just a good excuse for eating more chocolate, ahem. This time I want to pick and choose through the millions of varieties and decide beforehand what goes in each box, go to the supermarket with an enormous shopping list and be completely prepared for what will probably turn into an entire week of truffle making.
On a completely different note, I'm parenting pretty much solo this weekend with Mr. McSneezie as Z is in to Akureyri for work until tomorrow night, plus it's his geekweek so he's of early on Sunday for some serious role-playing (haha, the fact that I can say serious and role-playing in the same sentence simply astonishes me). This wouldn't really get to me that much if it wasn't for the snot, cause being stuck at home sucks donkeys ass. Oh well, I guess it just means my boxed chocolates will be so very organized they'll come with order of eating instructions!
I am at home with the the boy 'cause he's got an icky cold, nothing serious, just buckets of snot, and it makes life feel suspended somehow, as if the world outside is standing still and, no actually more like the world outside is moving to fast for us and we are confined to our house because we're in slow motion.
Obviously snot makes me all philosophical, and that's not good, too damn boring for one thing!
Because he's such great kid, who basically just wants to colour and read and watch a bit of tv, with the occasional nose blowing request, I've been trying to use my time constructively (haha hahaaahaaahaha, man, that sounds so ridiculous when I say it).
No, serously, I've actually been trying to organize my Christmas baking and experiments with chocolate. Most of the time what happens is that I see something I wanna make, and then something else I like, nomnom, that looks good, and then I start making too many things at once, realize half way through that I'm missing about four ingredients, run to the store (covered in chocolate from head to foot, of course) , without my wallet etc. etc. The result is almost always; too much sweet stuff for two people(too much even for 8 people), sugar overload, great big mess and moi completely exhausted, although very lickable ,what with the chocolate covering.
There is also the fact that I want to give out fancy homemade sweets for Christmas this year, something I've done once before, at 8 months pregnant in fact, when making a great big mess was just a good excuse for eating more chocolate, ahem. This time I want to pick and choose through the millions of varieties and decide beforehand what goes in each box, go to the supermarket with an enormous shopping list and be completely prepared for what will probably turn into an entire week of truffle making.
On a completely different note, I'm parenting pretty much solo this weekend with Mr. McSneezie as Z is in to Akureyri for work until tomorrow night, plus it's his geekweek so he's of early on Sunday for some serious role-playing (haha, the fact that I can say serious and role-playing in the same sentence simply astonishes me). This wouldn't really get to me that much if it wasn't for the snot, cause being stuck at home sucks donkeys ass. Oh well, I guess it just means my boxed chocolates will be so very organized they'll come with order of eating instructions!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Ahem!
Am giving it another go, trying this again or some such crap, that's what I was going to say, but really, everyone knows I'll write this and maybe a couple more entry's and then I'll forget all about it again!
Life is good, hectic, painful and troublesome but mostly good. Kid is growing by leaps and bounds, learning a new word every minute and just basically going from baby to big boy at an alarming rate.
Since my last entry everything has been pretty much turned upside down, we moved out of our much renovated and not even quite finished apartment, which was kinda sad but also really really good. Suffice it to say we had the neighbours from hell and getting rid of them was worth all the hassle.
We now live almost downtown again, in the same area where we rented our first apartment together, and I can tell you it feels like coming home again after being lost in the desert/wilderness/frozen tundra or some other barren nowhere you can think of. Our new place is great, we're still getting settled of course, but this one is definitely for keeps, I think we might grow old here, and it's a good feeling, very calming.
I have been doing ok, I guess, slipped disk, hernia, operation, physical therapy, pneumonia and various other "my boy just started playschool " ailments aside, things are looking up, finally. I just have to figure out how somebody like me does normal exercise, in order to build up a little bit of strength and muscle. Normally I would just go to the gym, workout and maybe think, "man I sure am in bad shape, I should do this more often." At the moment it's more like, "I've just carried my kid up these few steps, hang on for five minutes while I catch my breath, oh and could you just hand me my lungs, they fell out on the fifth step, I think!" So I'm sort off stuck between overdoing it and not doing it at all (the latter bit involves a lot of cake).
I'm going to stop now, keeping it short and sweet in the hopes of more to come.
Life is good, hectic, painful and troublesome but mostly good. Kid is growing by leaps and bounds, learning a new word every minute and just basically going from baby to big boy at an alarming rate.
Since my last entry everything has been pretty much turned upside down, we moved out of our much renovated and not even quite finished apartment, which was kinda sad but also really really good. Suffice it to say we had the neighbours from hell and getting rid of them was worth all the hassle.
We now live almost downtown again, in the same area where we rented our first apartment together, and I can tell you it feels like coming home again after being lost in the desert/wilderness/frozen tundra or some other barren nowhere you can think of. Our new place is great, we're still getting settled of course, but this one is definitely for keeps, I think we might grow old here, and it's a good feeling, very calming.
I have been doing ok, I guess, slipped disk, hernia, operation, physical therapy, pneumonia and various other "my boy just started playschool " ailments aside, things are looking up, finally. I just have to figure out how somebody like me does normal exercise, in order to build up a little bit of strength and muscle. Normally I would just go to the gym, workout and maybe think, "man I sure am in bad shape, I should do this more often." At the moment it's more like, "I've just carried my kid up these few steps, hang on for five minutes while I catch my breath, oh and could you just hand me my lungs, they fell out on the fifth step, I think!" So I'm sort off stuck between overdoing it and not doing it at all (the latter bit involves a lot of cake).
I'm going to stop now, keeping it short and sweet in the hopes of more to come.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Grumpy McGrumpington
Z came back from London the day before last and then yesterday morning he flew off for the weekend! Basically he came home for one evening with his peeps.
The one evening he was home I had my swimgym class (the only form of exercise that I am finally allowed, so missing it is not an option), still, we decided to jump start our weekly friday evening. A little explanation might be needed here, generally, on Friday's, we try for some yummy time, we might go to a café in the morning, have something unhealthy for dinner, watch a movie and overindulge on chocolates.
So we decided we'd have a late dinner of homemade pizza and some good red wine! Everything went according to plan, and when I came back from the pool, little man was in bed and the pizza was ready for the oven. The movie wouldn't play, we tried everything, but, what the heck, we had pizza and wine and delicious coffee, so all was good with the world. Then right when I was feeling too much of a buzz from the wine and also just from being tired, in a good way, little man wakes up, and he is inconsolable. HE DOES NOT GO BACK TO SLEEP! Ergo, neither do I.
What is the actual point of this nagathon? Well, yesterday morning, when we were suppose to either go to a café or at least have a cozy breakfast together I was so exhausted and grumpy that as soon as little man went for his nap I passed out. I didn't even really say goodbye to hubbyliscious. Poor guy had to have a lonesome cold breakfast and when he tried to let me know he was leaving I was pissed off at him for trying to wake me! When we finally did wake up (Grumpy and Grumpy junior), I felt so bad, but it was too late, his phone was already out of range, either that or switched off to avoid yours truly.
The stupid thing is that I still feel really bad about the whole thing. I mean, I was justifiably exhausted, but nevertheless. I feel like Z must be kinda' mad at me, disappointed like, and that is the stupidest thing ever cause he hardly ever gets that way, and still I worry. Not being able to get hold of him doesn't help, of course.
On a different yet related note, what is up with babies and not being able to tell you what's wrong? One of those message board things on their foreheads would come in real handy! Or one of those warning voices they put in cars. It's just so frustrating to have to go through every possibility with a screaming baby, when the whole thing could fixed with one quick forehead flash of poop, or earache or even itchy nose! You might even be able to get it over and done with before he's completely awake again!
The one evening he was home I had my swimgym class (the only form of exercise that I am finally allowed, so missing it is not an option), still, we decided to jump start our weekly friday evening. A little explanation might be needed here, generally, on Friday's, we try for some yummy time, we might go to a café in the morning, have something unhealthy for dinner, watch a movie and overindulge on chocolates.
So we decided we'd have a late dinner of homemade pizza and some good red wine! Everything went according to plan, and when I came back from the pool, little man was in bed and the pizza was ready for the oven. The movie wouldn't play, we tried everything, but, what the heck, we had pizza and wine and delicious coffee, so all was good with the world. Then right when I was feeling too much of a buzz from the wine and also just from being tired, in a good way, little man wakes up, and he is inconsolable. HE DOES NOT GO BACK TO SLEEP! Ergo, neither do I.
What is the actual point of this nagathon? Well, yesterday morning, when we were suppose to either go to a café or at least have a cozy breakfast together I was so exhausted and grumpy that as soon as little man went for his nap I passed out. I didn't even really say goodbye to hubbyliscious. Poor guy had to have a lonesome cold breakfast and when he tried to let me know he was leaving I was pissed off at him for trying to wake me! When we finally did wake up (Grumpy and Grumpy junior), I felt so bad, but it was too late, his phone was already out of range, either that or switched off to avoid yours truly.
The stupid thing is that I still feel really bad about the whole thing. I mean, I was justifiably exhausted, but nevertheless. I feel like Z must be kinda' mad at me, disappointed like, and that is the stupidest thing ever cause he hardly ever gets that way, and still I worry. Not being able to get hold of him doesn't help, of course.
On a different yet related note, what is up with babies and not being able to tell you what's wrong? One of those message board things on their foreheads would come in real handy! Or one of those warning voices they put in cars. It's just so frustrating to have to go through every possibility with a screaming baby, when the whole thing could fixed with one quick forehead flash of poop, or earache or even itchy nose! You might even be able to get it over and done with before he's completely awake again!
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