overhaulage!

Sometimes it's just so strange, and basically fucked up to be a human being. Not to mention actually taking proper care of yourself. I know that trying to find yourself is the most outdated lame thing ever, but that seems to be what I am continuously trying to do! I feel like I am still the 19 year old I was over a decade ago, a decade is a long bloody time to mostly lose, you know what I mean, I was there and then all of a sudden I was here and now!

Lately I've been sinking uncomfortably far into my old depression hole, and I really don't have time for that shit! After sinking far too deep I managed to haul myself out, apparently despite my enormous self-destructive shoulder devil, I actually have survival instincts. For the first bloody time I realized and I mean realized, not just knew or read about or was told, that I am my own master, I am in charge and it happens to be pretty much up to me what happens in my life! (oh wow, how many self-help book seekers are accidentally going to find this shit). Absolute ages ago I found out that yoga does for me what xanax does, and then some. However, because I am a total eejit, I think about the yoga, then I don't do it, then I feel guilty, then I start beating myself up about it and leather, rinse repeat until I drown in self loathing and pity.
So, this is what I'm doing, yoga every day, sometimes little sometimes a lot but always some, this is the first priority and it means that I am putting myself first, before boy, before Z, before work, this works in the manner of putting the gas mask on your own mug before attending to your child!