Sometimes it's just so strange, and basically fucked up to be a human being. Not to mention actually taking proper care of yourself. I know that trying to find yourself is the most outdated lame thing ever, but that seems to be what I am continuously trying to do! I feel like I am still the 19 year old I was over a decade ago, a decade is a long bloody time to mostly lose, you know what I mean, I was there and then all of a sudden I was here and now!
Lately I've been sinking uncomfortably far into my old depression hole, and I really don't have time for that shit! After sinking far too deep I managed to haul myself out, apparently despite my enormous self-destructive shoulder devil, I actually have survival instincts. For the first bloody time I realized and I mean realized, not just knew or read about or was told, that I am my own master, I am in charge and it happens to be pretty much up to me what happens in my life! (oh wow, how many self-help book seekers are accidentally going to find this shit). Absolute ages ago I found out that yoga does for me what xanax does, and then some. However, because I am a total eejit, I think about the yoga, then I don't do it, then I feel guilty, then I start beating myself up about it and leather, rinse repeat until I drown in self loathing and pity.
So, this is what I'm doing, yoga every day, sometimes little sometimes a lot but always some, this is the first priority and it means that I am putting myself first, before boy, before Z, before work, this works in the manner of putting the gas mask on your own mug before attending to your child!
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Monday, October 31, 2011
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
The unbearable weight of my head
I am sick, I have a weird head cold which makes my head feel like it's made up of a bag of dumbbells. I am so grateful for play-school at the moment, as much as I am sick of hanging out at home, feeling miserable, I am very happy I don't have to deal with an active toddler as well.
I've been going through a strange phase lately, exaggerated ups and downs, specifically the downs. I seem to be stuck in the same paranoid rut and I don't know how to get out. The whole thing with my back and the hernia and all that is "finished" and I should be trying to get myself back to normal. In fact, I want to get myself passed normal and into fighting fit, I never ever want to be this weak and hopeless again.
The thing is, I don't really know how to start and every time I think I'm getting somewhere, something happens to knock me down. First the boy caught a string of play school ailments, bad enough to make him fuse onto my hip, mutant style. He was feverish, snotty and impossibly whiny, also, sleep was for pussies. Basically the perfect recipe to send mama straight to the couch with a tub of ice cream at every available opportunity.
All of this ended with me getting a bout of pneumonia, which, if I wasn't weak before... hahaha, frack!
It took me two weeks to get out of that one, then I had two weeks where I thought, hey, this is gonna work, I'm gonna get all fit and stuff, and then two weeks in bed again. All this bed rest and sick toddler bouncing, not to mention weight gain, is really bad for my back as well as being excellent food for my insane paranoia about this wretched body part. You see, every time I feel a slight pain or twinge that could possibly be connected with my stupid spine, I feel like I must lie down, ramrod straight, and never move again, you know, just in case! I guess what I'm saying is that I'm scared to live, and that right there really scares me, does that make any sense?
What's also getting to me is that I don't really know how to do things slowly and carefully. If I wanna get fit I just hit the gym and work real hard, and dance like a mad person (I like dancing, a lot), but that just doesn't work anymore. I get sweaty from a 20 minute walk, and the most basic of yoga routines is painful, not just during the actual routine, but throughout the rest of my day! This is very frustrating and for some reason makes me utterly depressed and hungry for unhealthy fattening crap, which of course makes me even more depressed and paranoid and, well well well, what have we here, could it be me, stuck in that rut again!
This is not who I want to be, I've made it through a lot of crap in my life and I know I am really quite strong, I'm at a point where I'm really happy and life is good, I love my boys, we have a fantastic home and a stable income. I want so badly to be able to enjoy this time fully, to be a fun, active mom to my fantastic kid, but my body keeps getting in the way and somehow all I can do is cry about it and make myself more miserable. This whole situation is so self destructive, it's like I'm my own damn nemesis, thwarting my every good move, mwahahaing at my failure to counter attack!
I've been going through a strange phase lately, exaggerated ups and downs, specifically the downs. I seem to be stuck in the same paranoid rut and I don't know how to get out. The whole thing with my back and the hernia and all that is "finished" and I should be trying to get myself back to normal. In fact, I want to get myself passed normal and into fighting fit, I never ever want to be this weak and hopeless again.
The thing is, I don't really know how to start and every time I think I'm getting somewhere, something happens to knock me down. First the boy caught a string of play school ailments, bad enough to make him fuse onto my hip, mutant style. He was feverish, snotty and impossibly whiny, also, sleep was for pussies. Basically the perfect recipe to send mama straight to the couch with a tub of ice cream at every available opportunity.
All of this ended with me getting a bout of pneumonia, which, if I wasn't weak before... hahaha, frack!
It took me two weeks to get out of that one, then I had two weeks where I thought, hey, this is gonna work, I'm gonna get all fit and stuff, and then two weeks in bed again. All this bed rest and sick toddler bouncing, not to mention weight gain, is really bad for my back as well as being excellent food for my insane paranoia about this wretched body part. You see, every time I feel a slight pain or twinge that could possibly be connected with my stupid spine, I feel like I must lie down, ramrod straight, and never move again, you know, just in case! I guess what I'm saying is that I'm scared to live, and that right there really scares me, does that make any sense?
What's also getting to me is that I don't really know how to do things slowly and carefully. If I wanna get fit I just hit the gym and work real hard, and dance like a mad person (I like dancing, a lot), but that just doesn't work anymore. I get sweaty from a 20 minute walk, and the most basic of yoga routines is painful, not just during the actual routine, but throughout the rest of my day! This is very frustrating and for some reason makes me utterly depressed and hungry for unhealthy fattening crap, which of course makes me even more depressed and paranoid and, well well well, what have we here, could it be me, stuck in that rut again!
This is not who I want to be, I've made it through a lot of crap in my life and I know I am really quite strong, I'm at a point where I'm really happy and life is good, I love my boys, we have a fantastic home and a stable income. I want so badly to be able to enjoy this time fully, to be a fun, active mom to my fantastic kid, but my body keeps getting in the way and somehow all I can do is cry about it and make myself more miserable. This whole situation is so self destructive, it's like I'm my own damn nemesis, thwarting my every good move, mwahahaing at my failure to counter attack!
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